During the day, I can’t believe how lucky I am. Despite a few bumps in the road, my life isn’t that bad. It could be worse. However, when night comes, my outlook on life is darker, more sinister, more condemning. There’s something about the silence that makes my mind think things that never even enter my mind during the day and makes feel negative emotions that seem to come out of nowhere.
Most of these negative thoughts are worries. Am I raising my dogs right? Are they living the quality life that they are meant to live or is there something–a toy, a food, a holistic treatment–that they’re missing? Other worries concern my health, or other things that I have no control over. I also worry about things that I do have control over and that I have taken control of, but it just takes time to see the result. Then there are other things that I worry about that don’t even concern me. I even know that they don’t concern me, but I still worry about them anyway.
This worrying behavior is one of the things that I’m trying to get a handle on. All the worrying does is causes me to have panic/anxiety attacks. This is easy to avoid during the day. All I have to do is just keep busy (cue Dory’s song). I don’t have that luxury at night, especially when I’m climbing into bed and trying to sleep. Everything that I’ve ever done wrong or will do wrong comes back to me. I’m filled with worry and guilt for things that I may or may not do. It’s annoying, but I can’t seem to stop it, no matter how many positive things I tell myself.
That negative part just won’t be soothed. So, I spend hours worrying and crying and my crying worries me; an endless cycle that only stops when I’ve cried myself to the point of exhaustion. The crying doesn’t solve anything, but sometimes it makes me feel better. Other times I just don’t have any tears left.
I want to delete this post because it is so depressing writing it, but I guess a part of me hopes that there is someone out there who can relate and maybe this entry helps them feel less alone; less scared; less angry. Or at the very least they’ll go back and read some of my happier posts and get a laugh at the antics my dogs try to pull.
Speaking of my dogs, the girls have been put to bed. Nia was a bit fussy; we exchanged words (well I had words, hers were pitiful whimpers). She’s quiet now. Buddy is sleeping by the front door. I don’t know if he’s preventing me from leaving him or preventing someone from coming into the house. Probably both. He does the same thing when we’re in my bedroom; he places himself between me and the door. It’s comforting, you know.
And sad. Sad because no human male I’ve been in a relationship with has ever made me feel as safe as Buddy does. Tragic huh? I probably should reevaluate the men I date. Or even better, let Buddy evaluate them.
Well I’ve chattered enough for this entry. Thanks for sticking with me. Until next time (and I hope it is tomorrow) keep calm and give the ones you love lots of slobbery kisses.