One of the theories of dog domestication is that canines that were less afraid of humans benefited from their waste/leftovers. Due to being able to fatten up without expending too much energy, they were able to produce offspring who thrived and also carried the docile gene. As time wore on, these canines that hung near human villages eventually became members of the family.
Yep, that’s Siedra’s Digest version of dog domestication.
Anyway, that’s how I sometimes feel. I feel like I sit on the side of human civilization, benefiting from it, but not necessarily interacting with it. I struggle with making friends, not because I’m afraid of rejection, but I’m afraid of interacting with people. So I watch, lurk, and even stalk, picking up tidbits thrown my way, but fleeing from anything real. This is how I live my life, it works, but sometimes I feel lonely.
Sometimes I’m jealous of people who can walk up to someone and make an instant friend. Maybe I’m jealous of their courage. Other times I find them presumptuous.
This is why I like my dogs. They allow me to talk to people. All I have to do is allow the dog to tug in their direction. “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but my dogs wanted to come say hi. Can they?” Usually the answer is yes. I mean, who can deny a dog the pleasure of meeting new people? Very few people.
Part of me longs for the day when I’m “domesticated.” I don’t want to be domesticated per se, but due to my personality I’m often forgotten. The other part of me wants to rebel against this and be wild and free.
These two parts fight often, every day actually. I don’t want either to win thought. I want both of them to step aside and let the real me out. Every now and then they’re silent and for a second I feel like myself. I feel like I’ve attained my true form. Then I’m gone and am the vessel for the two fighting parts.
One day, and I hope soon, that true me will be manifested and will stay.
Until next time, stay true to yourself and roll in whatever you find.