Day 11: Setback or Breakthrough

I struggled with whether or not I wanted to go to church. I sat on my bed to work on character profiles. I looked at the clock and decided that I could work on the profiles during the preliminaries. So, I changed clothes, grabbed my Bible, my notebook, a snack and went to church.

Everything went well. I was feeling pretty good. The pastor gave a really good sermon and the closing song was a favorite of mine. I felt it though. I felt it coming. My panic attacks start with a simple restlessness and my hand starts shaking. I had already eaten so it wasn’t my blood sugar.

They started the song and I had to jump up and leave. I sat outside and cried. I became angry. I was so calm and content prior to the panic attack. This happens prior to all of my panic attacks and it makes me so mad. Why couldn’t they happen on a bad day? Why do they have to interrupt me when I’m actually enjoying myself?

My stuff was still in the church so I had to face people. I would have made it had one of the ladies not stopped me and asked me how I was doing. I burst into tears.

I hate crying in front of people. I hate being perceived at weak. I know people don’t perceive me that way; that’s just how I feel. I feel vulnerable, like people are going to see me as easy prey. I just couldn’t stop the tears.

I talk to two ladies. They hugged me and prayed with me. I cried so much. I talked more than I usually do, explaining away my panic attack or trying to make light of it. The tears wouldn’t stop.

I thought it was a setback, but the ladies told me there is nothing wrong with crying in front of people. I wanted to believe them.

I talked with them for little while longer and then we said our goodbyes and we left. On my short–very short–trip back home, I realized that maybe, just maybe, crying in front of people, letting people see my vulnerability, was maybe a breakthrough. I had lowered my defenses and let people see who I really am. I like to believe that I’m strong, but I’m not really. I’m a survivor though. I’m a fighter. I don’t let these things keep me down, but when they do happen it takes awhile for me to feel like me again.

Fortunately, I had six dogs waiting for me. Also, a good friend of mine came into town and he let me ramble on and on. We took Buddy for a walk and I talked to people, allowing them to pet Buddy. He really likes kids. It was wonderful and I started feeling like I have a bright future ahead of me.

I know that these panic attacks will still happen from time to time, but I’m blessed. I have a strong support system and the best dogs ever.

Ultimately, this was a good day despite the panic attack.

For those of you who are struggling with some battle, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Even if you don’t have a physical support system, know that I’m here.

Until next time, make sure you show appreciation to your support system, even if it is just your dogs.

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About Siege

Hi, I'm Siedra. I live in eastern Oklahoma with my six dogs and my rats. I'm a writer, and scrapbooker/mixed media artist. My life revolves around my dogs, so I decided to blog about them and pet parenthood in general. When I'm not working, or writing, or scrapbooking, or hanging out with my dogs, or thinking about any or all of the above, I'm probably asleep. View all posts by Siege

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