Feeling Guilty about Not Feeling Guilty

Buddy got loose earlier and took off around the neighborhood. The young men living across the street helped chase him down. He originally was just marking the neighborhood when he startled a group of kittens. One of the kittens was too slow and he pounced on it. I don’t remember shouting at him, although I’m sure I did. All I remember thinking was, I’ve got to get the cat out of his mouth. I already had his collar, so I reached around and plugged his nostrils. A couple seconds later he dropped the cat and I was able to leash him and pull him away.

The kitten was injured, but it was difficult to tell how much of it was injury and how much was shock. It was barely moving it’s back legs. The young men examined it, but we couldn’t tell the damage. There were some puncture wounds and some blood, but I didn’t get a good look because I was keeping Buddy back. By that time he had calmed down and was sitting politely.

I made a show of lecturing him. I knew he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did. He did what was natural–it ran so he chased. I felt a bit guilty that he attacked a cat that could belong to someone, but not necessarily that he attacked a cat. I don’t really actually know about cat property laws. I know the momma cat had a collar, so I suppose the kittens are thereby owned. However, the property of that the cats were on was not actually their home.

Anyway, we left the kitten when its mom started walking back toward us. I knew the determined look in her eyes and I also knew that we needed to go before the momma cat jumped the fence and tagged us. We backed away and walked home.

I kept saying that I felt bad. The young men kind of shrugged it off. He’s a dog and he chases cats. Some people have cat killers. In fact I think one of them said that he might have a cat killer. These things happen.

I did feel guilty, but it was because I didn’t feel guilty. Even though I said that I felt bad, I really didn’t. I silently agreed with the guys and I felt so bad that I didn’t feel bad.

I know now what he’s capable of and I’m going to make sure that this doesn’t happen again in the future. I’m going to make sure the front door is shut at all times and we’re going to work on recall. That’s the best that I can do.

Still, I feel like I need to be lectured, yelled at, maybe someone demand money from me. I feel like I need to be punished for being a negligent owner, for not watching my dog more closely. I suppose though that the worst punishment that I could ever get is the punishment that I’ve already given myself.

I don’t know if this blog post made any sense. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Or rather I’m trying to make sense of my feelings, my lack of remorse. I guess I’m also surprised that Buddy, despite being focused on killing the kitten, did not turn around and try to bite me. Once I had him under control, he was under control. He never tried to get back to the cat. It was weird.

I wonder if maybe my reaction, or lack thereof, could have been why he calmed down so quickly. I stayed calm, focused on what I needed to do, and did it. This is kind of a feat for someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and worrying fits.

I don’t know…

I normally don’t ask for comments, but this time I am. Feel free to lecture me or whatever. What would you have done in this situation? Have you been in this situation? Let me know.

Until next time, don’t chase any cats.

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About Siege

Hi, I'm Siedra. I live in eastern Oklahoma with my six dogs and my rats. I'm a writer, and scrapbooker/mixed media artist. My life revolves around my dogs, so I decided to blog about them and pet parenthood in general. When I'm not working, or writing, or scrapbooking, or hanging out with my dogs, or thinking about any or all of the above, I'm probably asleep. View all posts by Siege

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