I met a possible future love interest today and that’s why I am posting this on the 29th and not the 28th. I say possible love interest because I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s nice. We spent the evening getting to know each other. We’ll see where this goes.
Part of me wants to just write him off. I’m afraid of falling for him and then he hurts me. He told me all of these things, the typical things that guys say. I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I want to, but I don’t know if I can afford all of the energy it takes to be in a relationship.
He didn’t seem afraid of my craziness. Of course, I don’t know if he really believed a lot of what I said. He kept saying we have a lot in common, but do we really? I know some about him. I did most of the talking and he allowed me to. I think I just needed to let it all out and I wonder if he sensed that. I laid it all out for him. I wanted to be up front. If this does develop into something possibly long term, I don’t want him to try to claim that he didn’t know something about me.
He says he’s going to surprise me when he calls. I won’t wait by the phone. Have I really become this cynical? Have I really become this person? I’ve always wanted to be an ice queen and I’ve become that. Do I have the capacity to thaw out? Do I want to thaw?
I’m in the middle of a manic phase. I was doing well. I was doing some scrapbooking. I pulled out the mini album thinlits set that I bought yesterday and I was in the process of making one. I decided to take Buddy for a walk and it was on this walk that this guy and I ran into each other. It was a mutual attraction.
I wouldn’t have met him if I decided to take Buddy for a walk early or even if I decided to not walk Buddy. I’m not saying it’s fate, but our paths did cross for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason was.
In all of this, Buddy got loose twice. Once when the guy got here (yes I invited him over) and once when he was about to leave. Both times I ran Buddy down and caught him. Even though the first time I was in flip-flops and the second time I was in slip-on shoes, I ran nimbly; on my toes, like I used to when I was a child. All I cared about was my dog. Looking back, I realized that the running made me feel something else. It felt good. I felt free. Of course I was afraid that Buddy was going to get into a fight or catch a cat again, but how I felt when I was running…it took me someplace. I barely even remember my feet touching the ground.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m still trying to process it all. There are probably loads of spelling and grammatical errors (all of my posts are full of them) in this post. I apologize.
I still don’t know how I feel. It was nice meeting someone who I could possibly like, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he’ll be like every other guy. Nice at first and then the mask comes off and he reveals his true self. I’m not afraid of abuse. I can protect myself from that. I’m afraid that he’ll leave or that I’ll have to get rid of him. I’m afraid of being disappointed again. I want him to prove me wrong, but I’m scared of being right.
Until next time, I wish for you to have good relationships and I wish you strength should you need to get out of a bad one.