I received a phone call from a really good male friend of mine. He and I go way back. I had just joined the Native American Student Association (NASA) at my new University. I was thrilled that I was finally at a school with a Native population; people I could identify with. Though I only have a few drops of Native blood, I’ve always found them to be accepting people. I never felt comfortable among the Black or Caucasian ethnic groups even though my genetic make-up is more of these two.
When I walked into the room my eyes fell on a bronze man with long, jet black hair, high cheekbones, and a wonderful smile. I was instantly drawn to him, but I admired him from afar. Later on in the semester we developed a friendship and even flirted a bit. I was a Sophomore English major and he was getting his Master’s in English. We were both writers. We just clicked.
He and I never really hung out together outside of school. Sometimes we’d chat online. He let me read some of his stories; I’d let him read some of mine. At that time that was the extent of our relationship as he was engaged–on and off.
We lost touch with each other and then we’d get back in touch. Sometimes we would talk to each other for a couple weeks, a couple months, or even a year. I dated. He moved back to the area. When I was having relationship problems I’d call him. Once when I could get in touch with my then-boyfriend, I talked with my friend the entire weekend. He invited me to come spend some time with him. “Things might happen though…” he warned me. Loyal to my boyfriend, I laughed off his offer.
Then my boyfriend broke up with me and I went running to my friend. He comforted me and I comforted him. I stayed the night at his house once. His daughter was home; she didn’t know I was there. She had a nightmare and ran into the bedroom, jumping on me. He quickly shielded me so she wouldn’t know I was there.
We talked after that; we lost touch; we’d get back in touch; lose touch again. I moved. I dated. I fended off my ex. Perhaps I dated to get away from my ex. But my friend was always on the forefront of my mind. I loved him. I told him a couple times that I loved him. He was flattered.
I broke up with my ex and met another guy–my now fiance. At the beginning my now-fiance and I had a no strings attached relationship. We kept each other company on cold nights and warm nights alike. We’d be there for each other.
I loved him, but I still thought about my friend. When he’d come to town I’d be overjoyed to see him, but he never hung around long. I found other male friends. All liked me; I liked all of them, but we never stayed in touch.
I contemplated getting back together with my first boyfriend. I cried to my now fiance. I called my friend and asked him what I needed to do. He gave me advice; I knew he was right.
He promised me that we’d go on a date. A couple times he promised me that we’d get together. He always cancelled. My heart always fell. I realized that even though I cared for him and I knew he cared for me that the two of us would never be together.
My now-fiance broke things off with me to be with what he thought was his soul mate. By that time I realized that I was supposed to be with him and I was thrilled when he called me and said that things didn’t work out. He and I got together and now we’re getting married.
My friend wanted to know if getting married was what I wanted to do. I told him this was definitely what I wanted to do. Though he told me he was happy for me, I could hear the sadness in his voice. It broke my heart. It didn’t break my heart because I regret not getting together with him; I am very happy with my fiance. It broke my heart because well…I can’t place why. It isn’t something that I can put words to.
The best way of describing it is it was like talking to a dying friend. The friend knows he is dying and was calling to talk to you one last time. It is so final. It is over. You’re never going to hear his voice again.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. It’s still kind of raw, but I wanted to get it down while the emotions were still there because I feel that this is honesty. Later will be after I’ve thought about it; analyzed it; made it “pretty”. So forgive me if this doesn’t make any sense to you.
Until next time…