Tag Archives: Bipolar

Yesterday…My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 32 years old. It was a fun day of laughter, eating, shopping, and in general hanging with my family and my boyfriend. That’s right, I have a boyfriend. I finally freed myself of my ex-husband and I’m starting a new life.

Concerning my health, I finally got the answers I was seeking for, though it wasn’t the answers that I anticipated. I found out that all of my panic/anxiety attacks, collapsing, confusion, and many other symptoms stemmed from Bipolar Disorder. I had a feeling that I was bipolar, but I was never sure and said that “I suffer from Depression and I have diagnosed bipolar.” Well now it’s diagnosed.

So now what? Well I just continue my life and keep myself on a routine and all should go well. I know that I’ll have the occasional relapse, but that’s to be expected.

You’re probably wondering about the dogs. They’re all great. Haley is having some problems with her allergies, but that happens every summer. I just make sure I give her some allergy medicine every day or so. Other than that, she’s still the demanding brat that she’s always been.

Molly, Clara, and Luna are the same: bratty, playful, wild and loving.  They can’t get enough attention, especially Molly. She craves attention, begs for it, seeks it out. Typical Molly, but that’s okay.

Buddy is his usual self, easy-going and sometimes aloof. He loves being outside and hates to come in, even though it is sometimes in the upper nineties. Most of the time I leave him outside, but sometimes, if it is really hot, I make him come in the house. He grumbles some, but overall he obeys.

There’s a new addition to the family. Her name is Scarlette. She’s a Blue Heeler mix. The mix is probably American Pit Bull Terrier. When she smiles, she looks like a happy Pit Bull. Whatever she is, I love her even though she is crazy and gets jealous if I’m paying attention to her brother or sisters.

Sometime over the next couple years I’m going to get a Pomeranian or a pair of them. I know, what am I supposed to do with seven or eight dogs. I haven’t decided, but by then I’ll have it all figured out. Or at least I hope. I just need to save up the money and with no job, it might take a while. I guess I’ll have to start making crafts and selling them.

Anyway, that’s the Reader’s Digest version of what’s been going on for the past eight months. As always, I’m going to try to write more often, but we’ll see how that turns out.

Well, I’m off to go do…something…I don’t know what.

Just remember, make sure your human gives you as much attention as you demand, and attention only stops when you make the decision.

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Day 28: Ice Queen Move Activated

I met a possible future love interest today and that’s why I am posting this on the 29th and not the 28th. I say possible love interest because I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s nice. We spent the evening getting to know each other. We’ll see where this goes.

Part of me wants to just write him off. I’m afraid of falling for him and then he hurts me. He told me all of these things, the typical things that guys say. I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I want to, but I don’t know if I can afford all of the energy it takes to be in a relationship.

He didn’t seem afraid of my craziness. Of course, I don’t know if he really believed a lot of what I said. He kept saying we have a lot in common, but do we really? I know some about him. I did most of the talking and he allowed me to. I think I just needed to let it all out and I wonder if he sensed that. I laid it all out for him. I wanted to be up front. If this does develop into something possibly long term, I don’t want him to try to claim that he didn’t know something about me.

He says he’s going to surprise me when he calls. I won’t wait by the phone. Have I really become this cynical? Have I really become this person? I’ve always wanted to be an ice queen and I’ve become that. Do I have the capacity to thaw out? Do I want to thaw?

I’m in the middle of a manic phase. I was doing well. I was doing some scrapbooking. I pulled out the mini album thinlits set that I bought yesterday and I was in the process of making one. I decided to take Buddy for a walk and it was on this walk that this guy and I ran into each other. It was a mutual attraction.

I wouldn’t have met him if I decided to take Buddy for a walk early or even if I decided to not walk Buddy. I’m not saying it’s fate, but our paths did cross for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason was.

In all of this, Buddy got loose twice. Once when the guy got here (yes I invited him over) and once when he was about to leave. Both times I ran Buddy down and caught him. Even though the first time I was in flip-flops and the second time I was in slip-on shoes, I ran nimbly; on my toes, like I used to when I was a child. All I cared about was my dog. Looking back, I realized that the running made me feel something else. It felt good. I felt free. Of course I was afraid that Buddy was going to get into a fight or catch a cat again, but how I felt when I was running…it took me someplace. I barely even remember my feet touching the ground.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m still trying to process it all. There are probably loads of spelling and grammatical errors (all of my posts are full of them) in this post. I apologize.

I still don’t know how I feel. It was nice meeting someone who I could possibly like, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he’ll be like every other guy. Nice at first and then the mask comes off and he reveals his true self.  I’m not afraid of abuse. I can protect myself from that. I’m afraid that he’ll leave or that I’ll have to get rid of him. I’m afraid of being disappointed again. I want him to prove me wrong, but I’m scared of being right.

Until next time, I wish for you to have good relationships and I wish you strength should you need to get out of a bad one.