Tag Archives: Depression

End of My Rope

I regret this morning. I regret not catching Clara soon enough. I regret dumping water on my dogs. I regret causing them any discomfort.

I regret ever bringing Nia into this house.

Back in December, Nia decided that she hates Clara. I hoped that it would go away with time, but it hasn’t. Things have escalated to the point that Clara no longer is defensive; she’s offensive; attacking Nia before Nia has a chance to attack her. Most of the time it is nothing serious, but sometimes it is.

This morning wasn’t serious, but it made me wonder. Will I ever have the peaceful house that I used to? Does the fact that I’m no longer on my depression/bipolar medicine have any bearing on my dogs’ behavior? Does Nia have a neurological issue which accounts for her constant pacing?

When Nia came to live with me, I realized that she had a bunch of restless energy. She was possessive of toys (something I’ve since worked with her on), she peed whenever someone wanted to pet her (yet another thing I’ve worked with her on), and she paces, never settling down; never relaxing.

She feels the need to keep moving. She doesn’t like being in laps. Human beings are just creatures that make her life easier. They throw the ball and feed her, but other than that Nia has no use for people. She constantly chews; toys stand no chance against her and if she can’t destroy a toy, she won’t have anything to do with it. She also doesn’t like if anyone else has a toy. She’ll gather all of the toys in one spot and lay on them, keeping everyone away from the toys.

As I write this, I’m beginning to wonder if Nia suffers from OCD. That might explain some of her behavior. That might even explain all of her behavior, except why she doesn’t like Clara, unless Clara did something to Nia.

Sigh.

I don’t want to get rid of Nia. I’m her third home. I know why her second home had to get rid of her, but I’m beginning to wonder if her behavior is why Nia was rehomed the first time. I don’t want to give up on Nia, but I have to ask myself, where do I draw the line? This morning’s fight didn’t even result in anything bad. It was actually more noise than anything else.

New action plan(s). 1) Determine if Nia has OCD or not. If she doesn’t, then we’ll go from there. If she does, determine what needs to be done. 2) Instead of keeping the girls in a rotation (Nia inside, Clara outside and reverse) put them in crates and keep them with me rewarding them when they’re quiet and being nice to each other. 3) Now that the weather is getting warmer, start taking them for walks/runs together. Preferably runs because that would keep them from fighting. 4) Resume Mommy-Puppy time where each dog gets undivided attention from me for about fifteen or twenty minutes.

Let’s see…this is the middle of February, I’ll give this until April 1 to see if there are any positive results. Who knows, maybe it was just a weather related thing and now that we’re having 60, 70, and 80 degree weather things might mellow out on their own. Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you have any suggestions, please let me know. I need all the help I can get. Also, if you’ve had this problem before, tell me about it.

Until next time please lay down…you’re making me nervous.


Day 30

It has been 30 days since I started this monthly writing project and quite frankly it’s been difficult trying to come up with something to write every day, but I do have to say it has been a learning experience.

It has also been a month since I got Buddy. This too has been a learning experience, but I can’t imagine my life without him now.

I am going to continue writing multiple times a week, but I don’t necessarily know if it will remain every day. It will most likely be three times a week, that way I can have more quality posts.

I’m not any closer to recovery, but I didn’t expect to. I am glad that I tried this though. It has helped me evaluate where I am in life.

31 days until I’m 30!

My dad is still here and we’re having our father-daughter bonding time watching Z Nation. He’ll be leaving in the morning then I’ll be by myself. Not that it’s a bad thing. I don’t mind being on my own. In fact I prefer it.

I’ll probably do some scrapbooking this weekend. I plan on making a mini album to fit in my purse. In this mini album I would put pictures of my dogs. Yeah, I have pictures of them on my phone, but I don’t always like letting people look at pictures on my phone especially since I might have pictures on there I don’t want them to see (i.e. pictures of celebrities that I find attractive or pictures of things I’d like to buy). It would just be easier to have an album with pictures of them in it. I guess I’m a bit old-school in that respect.

When I finish the album I’ll post pictures of it. Also, sometime in the near future (probably August or September) I’m going to start a companion blog to this one that will feature all of my paper crafting projects. It will most likely be a picture blog. So keep an eye out for that announcement.

Well that’s about it. Until next time, eat, sleep, and be fluffy.


Day 28: Ice Queen Move Activated

I met a possible future love interest today and that’s why I am posting this on the 29th and not the 28th. I say possible love interest because I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s nice. We spent the evening getting to know each other. We’ll see where this goes.

Part of me wants to just write him off. I’m afraid of falling for him and then he hurts me. He told me all of these things, the typical things that guys say. I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I want to, but I don’t know if I can afford all of the energy it takes to be in a relationship.

He didn’t seem afraid of my craziness. Of course, I don’t know if he really believed a lot of what I said. He kept saying we have a lot in common, but do we really? I know some about him. I did most of the talking and he allowed me to. I think I just needed to let it all out and I wonder if he sensed that. I laid it all out for him. I wanted to be up front. If this does develop into something possibly long term, I don’t want him to try to claim that he didn’t know something about me.

He says he’s going to surprise me when he calls. I won’t wait by the phone. Have I really become this cynical? Have I really become this person? I’ve always wanted to be an ice queen and I’ve become that. Do I have the capacity to thaw out? Do I want to thaw?

I’m in the middle of a manic phase. I was doing well. I was doing some scrapbooking. I pulled out the mini album thinlits set that I bought yesterday and I was in the process of making one. I decided to take Buddy for a walk and it was on this walk that this guy and I ran into each other. It was a mutual attraction.

I wouldn’t have met him if I decided to take Buddy for a walk early or even if I decided to not walk Buddy. I’m not saying it’s fate, but our paths did cross for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason was.

In all of this, Buddy got loose twice. Once when the guy got here (yes I invited him over) and once when he was about to leave. Both times I ran Buddy down and caught him. Even though the first time I was in flip-flops and the second time I was in slip-on shoes, I ran nimbly; on my toes, like I used to when I was a child. All I cared about was my dog. Looking back, I realized that the running made me feel something else. It felt good. I felt free. Of course I was afraid that Buddy was going to get into a fight or catch a cat again, but how I felt when I was running…it took me someplace. I barely even remember my feet touching the ground.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m still trying to process it all. There are probably loads of spelling and grammatical errors (all of my posts are full of them) in this post. I apologize.

I still don’t know how I feel. It was nice meeting someone who I could possibly like, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he’ll be like every other guy. Nice at first and then the mask comes off and he reveals his true self.  I’m not afraid of abuse. I can protect myself from that. I’m afraid that he’ll leave or that I’ll have to get rid of him. I’m afraid of being disappointed again. I want him to prove me wrong, but I’m scared of being right.

Until next time, I wish for you to have good relationships and I wish you strength should you need to get out of a bad one.


Day 26: Busy Day

Wow, I got a lot accomplished today! It may not seem much to most people, but for me it was a whole lot. I did four loads of laundry, did some more organizing of my craft/office area, got some shopping done, and helped a friend write an A worthy paper.

Now I’m tired, but so happy. It feels so good to have the energy to get things done and be exhausted at the end of the day, not because of my depression, but because I was able to do something.

My friend paid me for helping with his paper, so tomorrow I’m going to splurge at Hobby Lobby and get some new crafting items. The ever practical side of me said that I needed to save the money for something…maybe getting something for the dogs rather than myself. The other part of me told that practical side that my life revolves around my dogs, pretty much any extra money goes into making their lives more comfortable, today I even bought them some flea and tick shampoo, house spray, and drops. No, this money is for me to splurge on me. Granted, I probably will have some money left over and I’ll probably buy the dogs some treats or a toy or something. What can I say? My life revolves around them.

Practical side then tells me that I should put it toward my medical bills. The other side then responds to forget the medical bills. It’s not that often that I have cash to blow and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to blow it on crafting supplies.

I think tomorrow is going to be an even better day than today.

Yep, the tide is out and it feels great.

The only unfortunate thing today was Buddy and I didn’t get our walk. A storm rolled in and it was raining, lightning, and thundering by the time our walk time came around. Buddy didn’t seem to mind too much. He’d been out back most of the day running and playing with the other dogs. In fact when I brought the dogs in, all of them came inside and went to sleep. They must have been having fun chasing squirrels. Oh to be a dog; such a simple life.

Well, I’m going to call it a night. An exciting day is ahead of me. Though I may not actually write tomorrow, I’ll post pictures of my haul, or a video. It depends on how adventurous I feel.

Until next time, even though you might have a busy schedule don’t forget to take time out for yourself.


Day 19: Tide In

A friend of mine wanted to come see me and I told him that I wasn’t feeling well. When he asked me what I was wrong, I told him that depression comes in waves and that the tide was in. I’m still waiting for the tide to go out. It’s annoying to say the least, but it could be worse.

Buddy and I went for a stroll and it was nice. I didn’t think about much except for how nice it is to walk and not be afraid of anyone of anything. At the same time I’m afraid of being too confident. I’m afraid that my confidence will cause Buddy to feel like he needs to protect me even more.

Maybe I’m just living in my head too much.

As Buddy and I were about to go in the house, a person walked by. The person smashed his/her (I couldn’t tell which) fist into his or her other hand a couple times. I admit that this alarmed me a little bit. When Buddy saw this person he was determined to go visit the person. I’m not sure if he wanted to say hi or let the person know that their aggressiveness was not appreciated. I kept him by my side and went in the house.

I feel like I’m just rambling. I feel like life is meaningless. I feel that Horror films aren’t what they used to be and that Scream 2 is more of a detective movie rather than an actual horror film.

Yeah, I’m watching Scream 2. That’s how far the tide is in. It keeps me from thinking too much. I’m just watching it to see people get killed. Yeah, that’s how far the tide is in.

Honestly, I think I could write a better horror story than most of these so called horror films. The reason that I haven’t is that I’m afraid that I’ll do such a good job that it will scare even me. Also, I want to write something that makes sense and is scary at the same time. As of yet, I haven’t worked out the mechanics.

I wonder  if writing a horror story will knock me out of my mood. Would writing horrors become addictive? It could be considered a good outlet, but where does one draw the line between creativity and a danger to society? Not that I’m a danger to society. Well that is unless someone messes with my dogs or my family, then I might become a danger to that particular person.

Speaking of people messing with my dogs, when another friend of mine comes over to do his homework, he always yells at my dogs if they even go in his general area. Buddy knows him and sniffs him when he comes inside and my friend yells at him to get away. I keep telling my friend that Buddy is being polite and once he’s found out what my friend has been up to Buddy will walk away. It’s a conversation we have every time he comes over. Every. Single. Time.

What really gets me is that this friend has a dog and has owned dogs in the past. Then again, this friend isn’t a dog person, per se. He only has a dog as long as it is worth keeping (ie. a hunting dog or a guard dog).

Now that I’m writing that, it makes me wonder if I need to choose better friends. I mean, oftentimes (not necessarily all the time) you can tell someone’s personality by how they treat animals. Of course, this friend admits that he doesn’t mind cussing people out or lying.

I really should hang out with different people. Those are not traits that I want to rub off on me or even be associated with.

Now I have even more to think about. Well, at least it isn’t about my depression.

Until next time, choose friends wisely or better yet, just stick with your pet.

 


Day 15: Putting Myself On a Schedule

It was so hot today that the dogs and I slept on and off until four this afternoon. Buddy and I didn’t get to go on our walk until close to nine and even then it was still very hot. The humidity isn’t helping either. Summer has arrived in Oklahoma even though it doesn’t officially begin until next week.

Hotter days means higher electricity which means that if I need to do any work in the house, it will have to take place early in the morning or in the evening. The afternoons will be spent resting, playing computer games, writing, scrapbooking, or anything else that doesn’t require much movement.

All of this means I have to put myself on a schedule. I need to go to bed at a reasonable time (I usually call it a night at 3 in the morning) so that I can get up at a decent time to take Buddy for a walk before it gets too hot. Needless to say, I’m not fond of this new schedule because I am a night owl and I love being a night owl. Plus, if I go to bed too early, then I’m wide awake at four or five in the morning and I can’t go back to sleep. Then again, I can always walk Buddy that early and when we got back we could go back to sleep. It’s an idea.

Also, I need to figure out a way to make some extra pocket change and I need to get my lawn sprayed for pests and weeds (but I think I covered that a few days ago). So much to do, so little motivation.

On a lighter note, the dogs and rats are doing well. Buddy has learned that he is not allowed to bother the rats despite the fact that they intentionally provoke him. I keep a spray bottle around to spray the dogs when they’re doing something I don’t want them to do. Everyone, but Molly, avoids the spray bottle. Molly loves water, so it’s difficult to correct her in the rare case that she misbehaves. It’s mostly for the baby gate jumpers. Anyway, Buddy will sometimes attack the rats’ cage in order to get to them. I’ve only had to spritz him once or twice. Now, all I have to do is pick up the water bottle and he backs away from the cage. He really is the best behaved one out of my group.

I apologize for the past few posts being only pictures, I’ve been dealing with some depression and anxiety. The anxiety isn’t as bad, but the depression is still hanging out with me. I guess as long as it doesn’t try to smother me I won’t fight it. I just feel empty though; not happy, not sad, just here. I know that it will go away, but it sure is annoying while it is here.

One consolation is that Buddy lets me hug him and even rest my head on his back. He makes everything better. He certainly is my teddy bear.

Until next time, don’t let the summer heat get you down and if you’re not experiencing this horrible heat, don’t brag.


Day 13: Three Random Pictures

Random pictures because I can’t adult today.

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One of my trees

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Close up of the Blossoms

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Razzy, a rat from a previous colony

Until next time, let that inner child out to play from time to time.